I remember!!!

I remember walking into his house after travelling for hours just to see him.
I remember feeling giddy and happy,thinking to myself “finally im here,we haven’t fought in a while,maybe he did mean it when he said he has changed”.
I remember opening his bedroom door and being met by a cold stare.
I remember this look I can not explain but till this day it gives me chills.
I remember thinking “oh Lord not again”.
I remember feeling dread. My heart dropping to my feet.
I remember saying “hey baby,I’m here” acting brave but deep down shaking like a leaf, trying to ease whatever tension that was in the room. And only getting “you are late as a response”.

“Damn it Ket,you make it so hard for me to be a good person. You turn me into this person”.
I remember contemplating whether to turn around and bolt or to just stand there
“He wouldn’t hurt me, he promised not to do it again” thinking to myself.
I remember trying to brush it off and acting like I’m not about to pee myself because of fear
“Haa baby,what have I done? I thought you said when you see me you are ripping my clothes because that’s how much you miss me” this is me trying to ease the situation. Mind you I’m still standing by the door,still carrying my bag.
I remember this animalistic laugh coming out of him.
I remember smelling anger in the air,if that’s even possible.
I remember praying in my heart,telling God that it hurts when his fist connects with my face,can it not happen today.
“You think I’m a fool? Where have you been? You were supposed yo get here 2hrs ago. I had to wait for you like a fool” he says in a calm but scary voice.
I remember thinking “damn you taxi,I should have taken a private car,maybe he wouldn’t be this angry”.
I laugh nervously “no baby,I had to do something in town first before leaving,then the taxi I boarded took forever”.
I remember him staring at me blankly, then he stands up and walks towards me slowly “doing something or doing someone? Are you cheating on me Ket?” he says.
Next thing,I’m moved from the door and the door is slammed and locked.
I remember thinking “this is it,how long is it going to last this time around? Will it be 2 or three punches and a few slaps”?
I rmbr getting slammed to the wall and then chocked.
It all happens so fast yet in slow motion.
I remember looking at him and pleading with my eyes because I can not talk.
I remember him smirking “are you fucking anyone else? Who were you with before you got here?” he says.
Alcohol! He is drunk. Its reeking off him.
I remember just shaking my head,feeling out of breath thinking “he is going to kill me this time,if he chokes me for more than 60seconds I’m dead”.
I think back to my mom,my little sister,how they all warned me,how they all do not like him.
He let’s go.
I remember coughing so hard and the smell of blood attacking my nostrils. I’m no longer carrying my bag,I must have dropped it when he made his way to me.
I remember him looking at me like he wants to cry or just eat me alive.
I remember silently crying and trying to say something to him but failing.
“Ket where were you?” He asks.
“Honestly…..I was….on my way….’m not cheating I swear” I say with so much difficulty.
Before I even finish my statement he slaps me so hard the only thing I can hear is the buzzing sound in my ear.
“Well atleast this time around he started with a slap” I think to myself.
I don’t even make a sound. I have learnt that wailing doesn’t even help,no one has ever came to my rescue.
He is talking,he is saying something but i can’t hear him,I try to listen….I can’t. All I can hear are my own thoughts “how did you get here girl” its like my mind is mocking me.
“……baby are you listening to me” he says.
I’m brought back to reality, I look at him,and he has this sombre look. Like he feels sorry,he regrets what he just did. I’m confused.
“I said I love you too much baby,I can not bare you cheating on me,I’d rather kill you and myself,when you don’t get here on time a million things run through my mind baby,you make me this way. You turn me into this person,I go crazy over you Ket”
I remember just staring at him and feeling numb.
I remember just nodding even when I can not understand some of the things he is saying.
“Baby I swear I’m not crazy but you look like someone that just had sex” he says.
I want to ask how a person that just had sex looks like but that just might earn me another slap. So I don’t say anything,I just continue silently crying. Now my lower lip is even shaking. I know its hurt mixed with anger but hello we all know I won’t do anything about my anger.
“Ket stop being dramatic and listen to me” he says. “Can I just insert my finger inside you to see if you slept with anyone,because I feel like you did”.
That snaps me out of whatever stance I’m in.
“Whaaaaat?” I say,my voice shaking.
He gives me the look that says “don’t make me repeat myself” then he says “I don’t see any problem here,i just want to make sure but if you refuse it means you did something and believe me you don’t want to see the bad side of me baby,make this easy”
I want to say “I already know the bad side of you” but I don’t. I jus stand there dump folded.
I remember him taking me by my hand and leading me to his bed.
The rest is just too traumatising to write down in detail. I refused to register in my mind what was happening but he did remove my under wear.
…..and I remember him inserting his finger inside me and saying something.
I’m jus lying there numb,feeling defeated and the only thing I could think about was my Dad.
I remember having a whole conversation with my Dad in my head “well Dad look at Karma,you are a perfect example of ‘treat someone’s daughter how you want your daughter to be treated” I say.
I honestly don’t remember how long the checkup lasted,it could be seconds, minutes,hours….I have no idea but eventually it comes to an end.

I remember him getting on top of me with a smile and kissing me everywhere as if he wasnt just a monster a minute ago.
I remember him thanking me for being faithful lol,I guess he was satisfied by what he found.
I remember him whispering in my ear how much he missed me and how much he loves me. And I remember just breaking down, crying my soul out.
I remember him not stopping and I remember him whispering over and over again that he is making it up to me and that I drive him crazy.
I remember him sweating on top of me,pleasuring himself with my body while I’m lying there numb to the core.
I remember thinking “were his kisses always this sloppy,where is that handsome,intelligent,fun guy I fell for. This is not him”.
I remember listening to him groan,grunt on top of me and promising to love me to death.
And I remember just laying there,looking at the ceiling,tears running down my cheeks and thinking “at least there were no fists involved this time around”.

So according to me #StewieLeSavage today we are celebrating the second day of the sexteen days of activism against Gender Based Violence with Khethiwe Mathuthu.

#GenerationEquality