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My Temple

I am a 35 year old mother of three beautiful children
My smile is their joy
Their father is their icon
He provides them with every need
And I give them the love and care
He built us a shelter, fills the cupboard and the fridge
He would never let them starve.

Looking back to the time when he was courting me
He’d show me off to his mates like some trophy
He’d protect me and promise to love and care for me
He kept me warm during winter
And made sure any form of vulture kept their distance…

I regret the day your words made me melt
I shouldn’t have trusted you with my heart and let you into my temple
Because that’s the day I became bound to this vicious cycle
It birthed the reason I bow down to you and beg you not to hit me once more
The reason, I cry myself to sleep each night and asks God why he made our paths cross time and again

You beat and butter me with the same hand that aggressively caresses me
You chock me till I gasp for air with the same hand that forcefully hugs me
I reek of you!
I don’t know how to get rid of this alcohol stench that’s all over my bedsheets

I sock my self in soapy water hoping it will go away
I scrub myself so hard hoping the memories will go away
Memories of how you forced yourself onto me
Of how you demand to come into my temple because you paid for it some 3 years ago when you met my uncles and paid only half the lobola
I scrub and scrub
But it never goes away

I practically live in hell
Waking up trapped in this lifeless body
In this house
In this sham you call a marriage
I’m ashamed
Ashamed to show my face to the world because it’s deeply scarred
I’m deeply scarred from the inside out
My heart bleeds and I’m afraid they’ll notice
Because it’s visible from a distance
They’ll probably label me and blame me for not being submissive or wifey enough

My heart bleeds when I think of my boy
His father talks to him about how women are toys
His daughters are growing and they think staying in a deadly marriage is okay
His venom has sunk into each and everyone of their brains
I can already see their tomorrow crumbling
This space isn’t safe
It’s not a home, it’s like a prison,
The only difference is that it infringes their minds and cages their emotions

I’m weak
I’m not strong enough to fight this
He sunk his claws into me and chained me
I’m drained
But if I leave, where will I go
What about my babies, my miracle
I know how it’s like to grow up fatherless and I wouldn’t want that for my daughters, especially my daughters
I’m broke
I won’t be able to afford them a decent living
He just had to make sure he crippled me in every way so I would be forever dependant.

Dear God
Give me strength to leave through this hell
I want to endure a little more for the sake of my kids
We’ll pack up and leave once they all grown up and fully understand.
Until then, I’ll fade away little by little
Until i become numb and invisible

My heart bleeds when I think of all the other women that have to live with his chauvinism
He probably spits on them and treats them like trash
I’m positive he reminds them daily of how they’re incapable of handling jobs
Pushes them around and makes them feel little
The same way he hits me is probably the same way he shouts at them and labels them as sluts because they chose to be independent

He probably shuts them out and oppresses them in every way he can
The same way he convinced me education wasn’t necessary
He’s never wrong since he’s a man in the office and
their opinions probably don’t matter the same way how i feel literally doesn’t count
His brutality has no limits
He’s rotten to the core

I just hope none of them falls for him
He’s one sweet talker
He’ll lure you
He’ll deceive you
Make you believe he’s the man of your dreams
When he’s worse than the devil
He’ll use them and throw them away
Then the office will turn into a little hell
Unbearable they’ll quit
He’ll make it impossible to breathe
He sucks life out of every soul

Today as the According to Stewie Le Savage family we are celebrating the 16 days of activism against Gender Based Violence alongside Tinkie Thandoe. Please follow her on social media to see more of what she has prepared for us. Thank you

Published by According to Stewie Le Savage

Tackling your day to day issues and introducing you to new people that might inspire you. Everything according to me #StewieLeSavage a self taught writer who believes that change is possible. Best Humanitarian Blog Award Winner for 2021 under the Zim Bloggers Awards.

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